Sometimes I feel like I don't exist anymore. This is a different feeling from feeling like I'm not myself anymore. I know I'm not myself anymore...and I hate it. But what I'm talking about is an actual feeling of not existing at all. Like I'm just going through the motions but there is no care behind it. Because honestly, I don't care. I don't care to get out of bed in the morning, but I do it because I cant stand to just sit around. I don't care to go to work, but I do it because I have bills to pay. I don't care to answer people when they talk to me...and half the time I don't - I hear them, I just don't have the energy to answer. I don't care to socialize or hang out with anyone...so I don't. I don't care to think about my future, because a large part of me feels my future is pointless without Ryan. I found a quote the other day..."Looking back, I've often thought the doctors should have written a death certificate for me as well as my son, for when he died, a part of me died, too." I really do feel that way. I had a c-section. A serious surgery. So many things could have gone wrong. But everything went right. Except for the part where the baby didn't make it. If my son had to die, I should have gone with him. But I'm still here. At least physically.
There is very little in my life that is positive. The one thing I cling to is that I got pregnant, this means I can get pregnant again...I believe I will bring home a healthy baby one day. I wish that day was tomorrow...
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Dear Ryan's Mommy,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog on the message board. I just read through your posts. I am SO sorry that Ryan isn't here in your arms, or still safely growing in your womb. I'm not great at calculating, but if I'm not mistaken, your due date has not arrived yet.
Everything you've written rings true to me. It has been a little longer for me since Grady died (Nov. 2008). I have seen brighter days here and there, but I have found that I bounce around the stages of grief. It would be nice if we could complete one stage, check it off and then move to the next. It is very frustrating for me that I feel two steps ahead and then fall three steps behind. You are very fortunate to have the group that you mentioned to share face-to-face with others who've had similar losses.
I'm not going to spout off advice here, but please know that you're not alone. I have found a great group of supportive people here in the blog world. I feel awful for feeling that way, but there's something about feeling like you're not the only one.... Be patient with yourself, allow yourself to feel whatever you feel as it comes. I'm still working on this daily.
I hope you can use this blog as an outlet for yourself and share it as freely as you wish. I have found that people will read my blog and reach out after reading my posts. It's nice that I don't have to constantly repeat myself and/or answer the question, "how are you?" because the answer I give isn't always the truth!
Ryan is a beautiful baby boy. I'm so sorry and my heart aches for you..... Hang in there~
Love,
Tonya