my scare...

I keep thinking about the fact that I had my "scare". In my pregnancy. I had 3 scares actually. I spotted around 10-12 weeks. I spotted around 18 weeks. And at my 17 week ultrasound the tech found something she thought might be wrong. But all three of these things turned out to be absolutely nothing to worry about. After my c-section it was found out that I have a heart shaped uterus (typically only found if you have a c-section and the only problem this sometimes causes is Pre-term labor and breech babies...so, not the cause of Ryan's death) HOWEVER, having a heart shaped uterus makes harmless spotting in early pregnancy more likely. Obviously still coming in to the doctors and getting everything checked out is the smart thing to do but the bleeding is very common in women with that kind of uterus. And what the tech saw on the ultrasound screen (one leg seems very slightly smaller than the other) ended up also being nothing. But I just keep thinking I had my scare. That was supposed to be it. I was worried out of my mind each and every time those things happened. I was crazy with worry. But everything ended up being okay. And all I could think was "good, that means this baby is healthy...that means he'll be with me in no time". Never once did it cross my mind that I wouldn't bring home anything but ashes.

Before I got pregnant I had this habit of always thinking the worst thing possible. Whenever anything bad happened to other people I always heard people say "I never thought this could happen"...or "how could this happen to ____". It wasn't even necessarily a habit but it was like second nature for me to automatically think the worst thing, because it seemed like maybe if I realized something horrible could happen, it wouldn't. That probably makes no sense but it made sense to me. If I couldn't get ahold of my mom or my boyfriend or my best friend or if someone was supposed to meet me and they were late and I hadn't heard from them I'd automatically think "god I hope they weren't in a car accident" or "__________ didn't happen to them". It was like thinking that made it so it wouldn't happen. Because I wouldn't be able to say "i never thought this could happen." And that's always what people say.

Well I never thought I'd lose my child. Not for a second. I never did what I had always done...I never said "what if he doesn't come home, what if something happens to him?" I believed with every fiber of my being that he'd be with me right now.

So I guess the joke is on me...