Saturday, May 02, 2009

Stages of Grief

The hospital where I delivered Ryan gave me a lot of resources to look into for mothers who had stillbirths. One of these resources was Sharing Parents. I just started going to a short-term grief series last week. It's a 4 week program for 2 hours every week where mothers (and some fathers) get together to talk about losses that are recent. The group I was with was comprised of 4 girls (they're boyfriends/husbands did not come) as well as 4 couples. It was probably one of the most helpful two hours I've spent since Ryan died. Hearing in person that others hurt the way I do was comforting. It made me feel less crazy. Grieving someone you didn't get to know can really make a person feel crazy. Anyway, during this meeting they gave each of us a book and one of the pages in the book had a circle with all the stages of grief...

-Loss (obviously)
Numbness, denial, outbursts, weight loss
-Deterioration (not always a stage)
crying, loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, irritability, self-criticism, guilt, other physical
symptoms like: hyperventilating, difficulty swallowing/breathing, sweating, nausea
increased shock, preoccupation with thoughts of the deceased, anger, yearning
confusion, depression, withdrawal, aimlessness, restlessness, apathy, feeling of unreality
trying new patterns of behavior, finding meaning in death and life

I know immediately following Ryan's death I was obviously in shock. This lasted a while. I definitely went into deterioration and stayed there for a while. But it seems as though I've gone back into shock...instead of forward into other stages. I think about my son every second of every day and yet I feel as if I'm living in denial of his death. I miss him so much it literally hurts to breath when I think about every moment we lost together. The sound of children laughing, which once made me smile, now breaks my heart a little more each time I hear it. I will never hear my son giggle. Part of me really wishes that I had gone to heaven with my son the day they did my c-section. I don't wish to be dead...I just wish to be with my son......

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