Saturday, May 02, 2009

Stages of Grief

The hospital where I delivered Ryan gave me a lot of resources to look into for mothers who had stillbirths. One of these resources was Sharing Parents. I just started going to a short-term grief series last week. It's a 4 week program for 2 hours every week where mothers (and some fathers) get together to talk about losses that are recent. The group I was with was comprised of 4 girls (they're boyfriends/husbands did not come) as well as 4 couples. It was probably one of the most helpful two hours I've spent since Ryan died. Hearing in person that others hurt the way I do was comforting. It made me feel less crazy. Grieving someone you didn't get to know can really make a person feel crazy. Anyway, during this meeting they gave each of us a book and one of the pages in the book had a circle with all the stages of grief...

-Loss (obviously)
-Shock
Numbness, denial, outbursts, weight loss
-Deterioration (not always a stage)
crying, loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, irritability, self-criticism, guilt, other physical
symptoms like: hyperventilating, difficulty swallowing/breathing, sweating, nausea
-Protest
increased shock, preoccupation with thoughts of the deceased, anger, yearning
-Disorganization
confusion, depression, withdrawal, aimlessness, restlessness, apathy, feeling of unreality
-Reorganization
trying new patterns of behavior, finding meaning in death and life
-Recovery



I know immediately following Ryan's death I was obviously in shock. This lasted a while. I definitely went into deterioration and stayed there for a while. But it seems as though I've gone back into shock...instead of forward into other stages. I think about my son every second of every day and yet I feel as if I'm living in denial of his death. I miss him so much it literally hurts to breath when I think about every moment we lost together. The sound of children laughing, which once made me smile, now breaks my heart a little more each time I hear it. I will never hear my son giggle. Part of me really wishes that I had gone to heaven with my son the day they did my c-section. I don't wish to be dead...I just wish to be with my son......

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