Monday, May 04, 2009

coming out of the shadow...

The doctor I had for my c-section...well quite frankly she was amazing. She was honest with us and she was one of those rare doctors who somewhere along the way had learned bedside manner. From the minute I showed up at the hospital until hours after the c-section she was kind and straight forward and after we lost Ryan you could see the sorrow on her face and hear it in her voice. Her and the Peri I saw both strongly encouraged leaving Ryan inside me while the closely monitored him - they gave me a shot that rapidly matured his lungs (it takes 48 hours) and told me that his chances of surviving were better if he had those 48 hours. The choice was ultimately up to us, we could do a c-section right then and there or we could wait the 48 hours that both doctors wanted us to do. Because I was just under 7 months and his lungs would definitely not be mature, and because the doctors so adamantly pushed for us to wait we choose to do so. Ryan didn't get the 48 hours...he got about 3. When we lost him I thought...hey, I did right by my son - I gave him every fighting chance I could and I did what the doctors thought was the best choice. I never questioned it. Until recently. It's like this veil has been lifted and I'm starting to come out of the numbness and all of the sudden I see that night so differently. I had a c-section obviously - my point for restating this is Ryan didn't have the pressure on him from me pushing him during labor. And yet he was purple. I don't really remember if the doctors told us why he was purple. The only thing I can think of is that there was a lack of oxygen. I don't know if this would have been in the autopsy report. I don't know if this would have caused a stillbirth - I don't even know if that would be the cause for his coloration. All I do know is that something was wrong with him and they still haven't been able to tell me a definitive reason why............and now I find myself questioning the advice I was given that horrible night. If I had it to do over again I would have insisted on an immediate c-section. I have this terrible fear that he had a lack of oxygen for some reason and if he would have been taken and put into the NICU he might still be here with me...I was given a choice, and maybe I choose the wrong option. Maybe there was a problem inside and he wasn't getting what he could have gotten outside. Maybe the doctors pushed me to do the wrong thing...why didn't they insist right then and there that they do an emergency c-section??? When I went to see a Peri (a different one than the one I saw that night) she told me that in future pregnancies if I came in presenting anything like I did that night they would take the baby right away. Why didn't they do it with Ryan? Why didn't I make them?

1 comment:

  1. My daughter was born at 24 and one half weeks along. I just went into labor. Just like that. And before we could get a moment to understand what was happening our doctor was saying the baby was coming and the chances of survival were not even 1%.

    I understand when you say why did you choose "this way" instead of "that".. but I think you should let that go if you can (I haven't finished reading this yet so perhaps you have now...). What if you had decided to have him taken out immediately only for him to die because he needed just a shot and 48 more hours for his lungs... What if I didn't do a hop off the curb that day after having a nice lunch out with a friend. "Hmm, that felt odd" I thought and rubbed my belly. Did that cause me to preterm labor? The What Ifs only kill you more. Enough of you already has died... I know.

    Cynthia's Mommy