Friday, May 08, 2009

what irritated me today...

I have this annoying habit of checking Facebook. I look to see what everyone is doing. But the things that stick out the most are the pregnant women or women with kids who COMPLAIN. "The baby kicks me in the middle of the night and wakes me up." "My bladder is so full I have to go every 30 minutes." "I never get a good night sleep because the baby wants 2 am feedings." And so on and so forth. If they only knew. If they only knew that I would give my right arm to be woken up 10 times a night because Ryan was still kicking away inside me. I would give my left leg if it meant having to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes because Ryan was pushing on my bladder. I would give anything if it meant that I was woken up 3 times a night for feedings. All of this would mean that Ryan was still with me. I just don't understand how they can complain about these things...these things mean that their baby is alive. I don't even remember if I complained about these things before...I know he kicked all the time, I know I had to go to the bathroom 20 times a day (not an exaggeration)...but I don't remember being irritated by that. I looked forward to 2 am feedings. I wanted my son so much...I wanted everything...the good and the "bad". Part of me wants to leave a post on Facebook telling pregnant women everywhere to appreciate the kicks and the backaches and the heavy bladder and every single time you feed your baby...every single second they have with their baby. But I know that if I did it would fall on deaf ears. I know they cannot understand where I am coming from. And I pray for their sakes that they never can...
Today was an especially hard day at work. So far I've been able to keep myself composed there...I haven't cried there once. Which doesnt mean that at the end of the day as I'm driving away I am not bawling. But I really almost lost it at work today. I work at a preschool...I'm a PreK teacher. I'm around kids and even sometimes babies all day. It's hard but its such a busy job that it keeps my mind going and forces me to think about something else...if only for a little while. Today however, when I came in the class had made Mothers Day presents. It was a stupid string of beads that the teacher turned into bracelets and with the bracelets there was a drawing from their child. A typical gift given out at daycare centers. It just got me to thinking that I bet most of the moms will never wear those stupid bracelets...I bet the drawings will end up in the recycling & maybe even the bracelets. I would give anything to have a stupid bead bracelet and a scribbled picture. Ryan will never make me a lame Mothers day present. And the people who get them, probably dont appreciate them.............

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