Friday, May 29, 2009

one of those days...

I woke up this morning and decided to treat myself to Starbucks. I was supposed to start my diet this week but I put it off since I'm going to Monterey for a few days and I know I'll eat fatty food there for sure. Anyway, I used to go to a certain Starbucks during my pregnancy (decaf coffee, always......go figure, my cousins wife had 1 caffeinated beverage per day during her first pregnancy and had a healthy son and she is currently pregnant again and currently does the same thing -- I probably had the total of 1 can of Pepsi throughout my entire pregnancy, but that's not the point here). I went into Starbucks today, I still get decaf coffee...for some reason I still don't really allow myself to have caffeine. It's been three months and a lady at Starbucks who knew I had been pregnant finally realized I wasn't pregnant anymore. "Oh my had your baby!" she said....."yeah..." I said. She asked "What was it?" "A boy" I said. " must be so happy!" I just politely smiled and walked away. I knew it was

just going to be one of those days.

Ryan's dad's niece goes to the preschool I work at. She's four years old and although she knows I was pregnant, she didn't really understand what that meant. To her that meant there was a "baby living inside my tummy". Which yes, theoretically she was correct in that but she doesn't understand that he's not here now. Every once in a while she will come up to me, touch my stomach and say "Jamie, where's the baby in your tummy?" I show her the picture on my phone, remind her that he was her cousin, and tell her he's in heaven. She really doesn't understand any of this, so she smiles and goes on her merry way - I don't think anyone sat down and explained anything to her and I sure as hell couldn't get through doing it.

Another child at work came up to me this afternoon and said "Miss Jamie are you a Mommy?" My reply was " think so hunny." This was probably not a clear enough answer for a four year old, even though she is actually a really bright kid, but she caught me off guard and I gave her the first answer that came to mind. She asked "Well...what I mean you have any kids at home with you?" I said "No." She said "Oh......well I asked because my mommy had me in her tummy and now I'm here and now she has another baby in her tummy, isn't that funny?" I just smiled and thought silently to myself..."'s really not funny...its unfair."

Three of my kids parents are now pregnant. One is having a boy, the other a girl...the last is early in her pregnancy. I knew going back into the job I have that there would be a bigger chance of running into babies and pregnant women. The babies I long to hold and love - the pregnant women I long to yell at and secretly hate a little. But I just didn't think I'd be bombarded by SO many pregnant women that I have to see day in and day out...........
You think you've hit rock bottom and all of the sudden something just smacks you in the gut and you drop a level lower.........there has got to be a point where things turn around right? Where things start to go up? Where my life has at least a LITTLE bit of positive in it? Where things aren't hitting me from every angle? One more blow and I'm not sure I'll be able to keep myself together any longer...

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