How do you get through life knowing that every day is different than it should be? Knowing that the fact that an alarm clock wakes you up in the morning instead of a crying baby is not the way things are supposed to be. Knowing that every time you leave the house you should have a car seat and a diaper bag...and a baby. I feel like for the first two and a half months I was either in shock or simply mourning my pregnancy. It seems like its just been the past few weeks that I started to really mourn losing RYAN. Ya know...like it just sank in that he should actually be here now.
Today was my friend Tara's daughters second birthday. My friend is like a sister to me and her daughter I consider my niece. I was really glad she didn't throw a birthday party. She had just a few people go to this place called John's Incredible - its basically like a fancier Chucky cheese. So I got to spend some time with her and the kid at her house and at the place in the restaurant part. But as soon as we took the kids (just Makenna and her little friend Ava) back to the play part of the place I started to slowly come unraveled. I ended up only staying there for about 20 minutes before I had to leave. There were so many kids. So many moms. So many things shoved in my face that Ryan will never do.
It's stupid but somehow absolutely everything makes me think about him. Every meal, every movie...everything. I eat pizza and at some point I think...Ryan will never have pizza. I watch a movie and someone goes to the beach and at some point I think...Ryan will never feel the cool of the ocean or the sand between his toes. I use a #2 pencil at work and somehow that gets me to think...Ryan will never go to school. Dont even get me started on all the birthday's he will never see...or the fact that he'll never have a birthday cake...
I dont even know how to express myself except to say nothing is the way its supposed to be. I think I've used the phrase "supposed to be" more in the last three months than I did in the previous 23 years. Does it make me sound like a spoiled 7 year old girl whining because I didn't get my way?