It was a silent birth...

Growing up, whenever I thought about having a child I knew without a doubt that I wanted a little girl. A little girl who's hair I could do, and who could be a little me (heaven help myself). But, from the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was carrying a boy. It didn't matter though - I suddenly found myself falling in love with the idea of a little boy who would be the big brother to his future little sisters. The protector. He was going to play baseball and football, he was going to look like his father and I hoped that when he was younger he'd be a total mommy's boy - even though I knew it would break my heart when he grew out of it, I also knew that I'd treasure those precious years. I had it all planned out and I could see it all happening. It was happening. I felt him kick and move and have the hiccups and I truly knew his personality even though he wasn't out for anyone else to know.....I knew that in only a short while I would hear his precious first cry, he would be in my arms, and all of my dreams for him would be able to come true.

My dreams didn't come true, instead - they were shattered ...... six months ago, at 4:21 am on February 18th, Ryan Austin Martin was born still. It's a common term "still born" but what I remember most about when he was born wasn't that he was still, it was that he was silent. It was a silent birth. That sound that most women get to hear, the first cry, the one that melts your heart and you are suddenly more attached and in love then you ever imagined you could be.....I think I wanted to hear that sound more than almost anything else. I hear it now - not the first cry, but every once in a while you come across a brand new baby and the cry is the same. It breaks my heart all over again. And yet I cannot wait until I have a healthy baby and can hear that cry from a child of my own. I don't know when that will happen...but I pray for it everyday.

Anyway...since today was Ryan's 6 month angelversary I lit his special candles and also released some balloons in honor of him. Here's some pictures....

Six Months...

Tuesday will be six months since I lost Ryan. But all I keep thinking about is what he'd be doing at 6 months old. Not that I lost him, not how empty it feels without him, not that everything in this world is somehow wrong (although those thoughts do pass through my mind everyday), but more so I've been so focused on what he'd be like. A friend of mine has a 6 month old baby girl who just got her first cold. It made me wonder what Ryan would be like if he had a cold.....would he be one of those babies that sleep it off - would he spend 72 hours straight in bed? Or would he be one who simply can not sleep when they are sick......72 hours of crying and congestion? The truth is, I'd take either. What would he be doing at six months? He'd definitely be smiling up a storm...laughing...maybe sleeping through the night.........but would he be sitting up? Maybe starting to crawl? Would he be attached at my hip? Or would he be his fathers son through and through? But I can only wonder about these things...maybe wonder isn't the right word - perhaps obsess would better describe how these thoughts haunt me.

A friend wrote something for me, about her pregnancies and giving birth. It was incredibly raw and true and amazing that she could write so much personal information. It will be very helpful for my writing. I've gotten about 1/3 of the way through my book...maybe a little more, its kind of hard to tell since I'm writing in sections - not straight through. I'm really enjoying writing it though...I write a lot at work and in my spare time. I don't know how long it will take me to finish, I don't know how good it will be, but writing about Ryan keeps his memory alive and that's something I struggle to do each and every day.