Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It was a silent birth...

Growing up, whenever I thought about having a child I knew without a doubt that I wanted a little girl. A little girl who's hair I could do, and who could be a little me (heaven help myself). But, from the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was carrying a boy. It didn't matter though - I suddenly found myself falling in love with the idea of a little boy who would be the big brother to his future little sisters. The protector. He was going to play baseball and football, he was going to look like his father and I hoped that when he was younger he'd be a total mommy's boy - even though I knew it would break my heart when he grew out of it, I also knew that I'd treasure those precious years. I had it all planned out and I could see it all happening. It was happening. I felt him kick and move and have the hiccups and I truly knew his personality even though he wasn't out for anyone else to know.....I knew that in only a short while I would hear his precious first cry, he would be in my arms, and all of my dreams for him would be able to come true.

My dreams didn't come true, instead - they were shattered ...... six months ago, at 4:21 am on February 18th, Ryan Austin Martin was born still. It's a common term "still born" but what I remember most about when he was born wasn't that he was still, it was that he was silent. It was a silent birth. That sound that most women get to hear, the first cry, the one that melts your heart and you are suddenly more attached and in love then you ever imagined you could be.....I think I wanted to hear that sound more than almost anything else. I hear it now - not the first cry, but every once in a while you come across a brand new baby and the cry is the same. It breaks my heart all over again. And yet I cannot wait until I have a healthy baby and can hear that cry from a child of my own. I don't know when that will happen...but I pray for it everyday.

Anyway...since today was Ryan's 6 month angelversary I lit his special candles and also released some balloons in honor of him. Here's some pictures....


  1. Hello...I just read your first post, and couldn't wait to read more to say thank you, thank you, thank you, for having the guts to write about this. We lost our first baby, a boy, on August 17 of this year. I've been debating whether or not to write about this in my blog, as you've done here...don't know whether my intentions would be pure enough, somehow...but it's *so* heartening, and feels healing, to read your words. I admire your courage to do this. Thank you again.

  2. Jamie,

    I, too, lost my Ryan - but in August 2005. He was born with severe congenital heart defects that weren't discovered till his birth and by then, treatment was almost futile. He passed peacefully in my arms a mere 54 hrs. after he arrived.

    I can relate to each and every one of your entries here, as I've had very similar feelings about my own situation and wrote about many of the same things that only mothers in mourning think about.

    But, I will say that things do get better. It's not instantaneous or in the timeframe we'd like, but it does get better. I've gone on to have a Rainbow baby (a healthy little girl), but my heart will forever ache to hold my precious angel - the boy who made me a mother.

    Many warm hugs to you and much luck in your TTC journey,

  3. "OR,
    You can open up your heart,
    & find that special place-
    where compassion and true giving
    are awaiting your embrace;


    I read your whole blog tonight. I know this next week is going to be very difficult for you.

    Happy Birthday Angel Ryan,

    and Jamie, I wish you peace that is not possible right now, but I know will find you in the future, because you are a strong, beautiful, amazing MOMMY. <3