Tuesday will be six months since I lost Ryan. But all I keep thinking about is what he'd be doing at 6 months old. Not that I lost him, not how empty it feels without him, not that everything in this world is somehow wrong (although those thoughts do pass through my mind everyday), but more so I've been so focused on what he'd be like. A friend of mine has a 6 month old baby girl who just got her first cold. It made me wonder what Ryan would be like if he had a cold.....would he be one of those babies that sleep it off - would he spend 72 hours straight in bed? Or would he be one who simply can not sleep when they are sick......72 hours of crying and congestion? The truth is, I'd take either. What would he be doing at six months? He'd definitely be smiling up a storm...laughing...maybe sleeping through the night.........but would he be sitting up? Maybe starting to crawl? Would he be attached at my hip? Or would he be his fathers son through and through? But I can only wonder about these things...maybe wonder isn't the right word - perhaps obsess would better describe how these thoughts haunt me.
A friend wrote something for me, about her pregnancies and giving birth. It was incredibly raw and true and amazing that she could write so much personal information. It will be very helpful for my writing. I've gotten about 1/3 of the way through my book...maybe a little more, its kind of hard to tell since I'm writing in sections - not straight through. I'm really enjoying writing it though...I write a lot at work and in my spare time. I don't know how long it will take me to finish, I don't know how good it will be, but writing about Ryan keeps his memory alive and that's something I struggle to do each and every day.