Wednesday, July 29, 2009

lets burn all the calendars...

I looked at the calendar today and realized ... I should have just started back to work this Monday. Fresh off a nine week maternity leave...with a baby boy at my side. I'm sick and tired of the fact that I can't get through a single day without being reminded (not that I could forget) that something huge is missing from my life.

As I sat at work today watching the kids sleep my boss came in and handed a packet to my co-worker. The new school year is approaching and she had to fill out parent forms for her children that attend our school. I suddenly became slightly nauseous as I realized I should be filling out the same forms - Ryan's name should be plastered all over each and every one. But he's not here.

Why do you have your child and I do not? Why does one woman lose everything and another continues blissfully through life with everything neatly intact. I've been wondering if there is such a thing as "fate" or "destiny".....was it written in stone that I would lose my son? Is that just a part of my story? Was there no way to avoid it? Or maybe its true that there is no such thing...maybe I could have changed the outcome but didn't. I'm rambling...I guess I didn't really have much to say today......just felt like burning all the calenders and figured writing might be a better solution to feeling a so down...
"What if there's no such thing as "better days"...what if all that's left are tears?"

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