I walk around in a bit of a haze. It's become so constant I barely notice that I'm doing it...it takes people saying my name repeatedly for me to focus in on what they're saying - and before I know it I'm back in the haze. I guess it's safer in the haze than to be focusing in on what is rattling around in my brain...Ryan, 99% of the time. I'm sad he's not with me. Obviously. I want to hold him again more than anything. Even if it was just for a minute, even if I had to lose him all over again...to see him, to kiss him...I want that. It'll never happen. And I often feel that I am to blame. For anyone who actually reads this, you're probably wondering how I could possibly think that. But I do. I have no answers...I have "theories". So I'm left to constantly wonder at what moment I did something wrong that caused my son to die. Was it because I slept on my right side and not my left??? Did that cut off his oxygen supply somehow? Was it the spider bite I got a few weeks before he died? Should I have gone in to get it checked out? Did me getting bronchitis and thus coughing my head off for a week cause trauma to him some how? Was it the two bites of lobster I ate three days before he died...I shouldn't have eaten it - you're not supposed to eat seafood. A few weeks before Ryan died I went to Reno and spent about 45 minutes in a casino...did the second hand smoke kill my baby? At what point did I make the wrong decision?
I cannot imagine my next pregnancy, or any pregnancy from this point forward. I wish I could go back to being one of the blissful pod people who walk around with huge bellies and grins on their faces...unaware of the pain that can come from something that is supposed to be wonderful. In my next pregnancy I think I will become a recluse. I dont want to go out for food - fast food or resturaunt because you dont know how well they cook the food and how clean their kitchens are and whether they really cleaned the table or the silverware. 9 months of eating at home only. I already walk around with antibacterial soap permanently fixed in my palm...I cant go into a store without spraying the cart with Lysol first. I sleep on my stomach or right side (its impossible for me to fall asleep on my left side)...when I become pregnant again I imagine months of sleepless nights lying on my left side surrounded by pillows that wont allow me to turn over, afraid it will stop my baby's life support. Back aches? No tylenol for me...besides prenatal medicine I dont think I'll take a single pill during my pregnancy. I had horrible acid reflux with Ryan...they gave me medicine I took everyday, it was my life support......and yet I think I'd have to deal with the acid instead of taking the pill, afraid it would hurt the baby. Baths would definately be a no. I took them once or twice a week during my pregnancy, I even used a water thermonater to make sure the temperature never got above 100...but still my baby is not here so I wont be able to let myself take a bath next time. I know I wont. There's so many things I just wont be able to do. I imagine I wont tell Joe until I'm out of my first trimester...I think I'll wear huge sweatshirts until I cant hide it anymore...and I dont think I will tell ANYONE (except maybe my boss) until I get past the point where I lost Ryan (even though I know getting past that point wont mean I couldn't lose another child). Doctors appointments? Once a month for the first 28 weeks...closer together after that? YA RIGHT. I think my doctor may need to leave a standing appointment open each and everyday for me to pop in when my anxiety gets the best of me. I will need them to run every test under the sun to make sure my pregnancy is safe...and I will need to take every possible precaution. For my sanity. C-section at 39 weeks? Dont you know it seems like thats when most cord accidents happen? "Everything's fine...give the baby more time" Then all of the sudden the baby is gone. I dont need that added risk - a doctor who will perform the section at 38 weeks max is a must. Baby shower? You're joking right. Thats a total jinx if you ask me. I dont think I'll buy a single thing until that child is in my arms. We may have a lot of shopping to do when we bring the baby home but it's better than coming home after losing your son only to have to return 10 boxes of diapers 4 days after a c-section. I dont know why I'm writing so much about this subject...I probably wont be pregnant again for a very long time...but the truth is I wish every single day that I'd get pregnant soon and bring home a healthy child, even though I know the pregnancy would be an anxiety ridden nine month nightmare.
I went to Target today, to return something and as I was standing inline I noticed a girl holding a scanner - you could tell she was pregnant (although she was just barely showing). I figured she was just about as far along as I was when I registered for my baby shower. About 20 weeks. I was litterally biting my tongue as I stood in line, unable to stop watching her out of the corner of my eye. Firstly, she looked like she couldn't be more than 18...and that's being generous. It's hard to see teenagers pregnant. Secondly, it took so much effort to stop myself from running up to her and screaming at her, telling her that she shouldn't be smiling - she shouldn't be planning a baby shower, she shouldn't design a nursery, she shouldn't buy diapers or clothes, she shouldn't do any of it. Not until that baby is in her arms...because its not a guarantee. Nothing in life is guaranteed.