Wednesday, May 06, 2009

winding down to mothers day...

I don't know if anyone else is having a hard week this week (not that every week - every minute - isn't hard; but this one seems especially hard). I just keep thinking about Sunday. Its like a ticking time bomb. I know its coming and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Too bad theres no red wire we can clip and just skip right over Mothers day. And then my due date is right after that. Two bombs. Yay for me. I keep trying to make his due date not such a big deal. I was told I probably would have had Ryan 4-6 weeks early at I just keep telling myself "it's just a date it's just a date". But it's not. It's HIS date, even if he hadn't come that'll always be his due date.

I was supposed to go to work today. But I couldn't sleep last night. I kept falling asleep for like 30 minutes and having dreams and waking up and not being able to fall back asleep for like an hour. So I called in to work today. I just couldn't deal with going in. I had nightmares for a while...dreams about what happened the night I lost Ryan...dreams about me abandoning him at the hospital. Those dreams have stopped. When I was little I had horrible nightmares but they went away, actually I quit dreaming pretty much ever. My doctor said it was my brain subconsciously shielding me from bad dreams. My new doctor said I'm probably still having those horrible dreams but I actually shield myself from remembering them. It's funny the way the body works to protect you. So anyway, even though the nightmares have subsided I still have these weird dreams. They could be about anything...going to a store, sky diving, being at the beach...literally anything...but the weird thing is that in almost every dream there is someone named Ryan. It could be a boy or a man. But there's always someone with his name. I wake up with such horrible anxiety. My son will never be a boy or a young man or an adult or a son will never be anything but a baby that isn't with me anymore. Mothers day is going to be so horribly terrible. Saturday my family is getting together to "celebrate" mothers day. I really don't want to go. I think they will look at that get together as a day to celebrate my mom and my grandma and my aunts......but I have this horrible fear that I will not be recognized as a mom. I barely recognize myself as a mom. But I really want them all to look at me and tell me happy mothers day too. Part of me doesn't even want to go, because I know I'm getting myself ready for a let down. Sunday we are going up to Yosemite - whenever Ryan's dad gets off work (he's trying to get his shift covered still so who knows when that will be). Mothers day is just really really going to suck.

I went into Borders today to get a book about hiking in Yosemite...I was looking at books and looked up and realized I was staring at all the baby books I used to come in and read and buy. I almost had a panic attack right in the store. I know some ladies have mentioned doing this but I don't cry in front of people. I keep myself together. I cry alone. I left and went to target to get some things for our trip. I was waiting in line and all of the sudden I heard a baby crying. I knew it was a boy without even looking. And he had that newborn baby cry...the kind that breaks my heart. I wanted to scream and tell the mom to pick up her crying baby...partly because I really just needed him to stop crying and also because if I had my child I'd do everything to comfort him. I looked over at the lady and she had FOUR children. A daughter who was like 3 or 4...and twins that looked to be about 10-11 months old... AND a baby boy who was maybe 6 weeks old. That hurt me so much. I cant explain it but I just wanted to scream...why does she have four healthy children and I lost my first and only son?

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