Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Mothers day in Yosemite

So, Ryan's dad ended up getting his night shift on Sunday switched to a morning shift which was better because we were heading up to Yosemite that day for out trip to spread Ryan's ashes. During the day my mom took me to the movies...she said she was going to get me a card but thought it would hurt more than help. I told her that just so she knows in the future that it would not hurt...not being acknowledged as a mother is what hurts. Ryan's dad got off around five and we packed the car and got up to the mountains around 930. We put everything into the tent-cabin and went to sleep since we were getting up early the next morning to do our hike. NOT ONCE did Ryan's dad even say "Happy Mothers Day" or get me a card or do absolutely ANYTHING. I decided not to bring it up because I was so angry and frustrated and I didn't want it to ruin our trip. I didn't even mention it until about an hour ago when we got home. He also said he thought about it but decided it would hurt more than help. This I can accept from my mother...but from him I just cant. It's not a good enough explanation. He lost his son too. He should feel like a father as much as I feel like a mother and he should understand how much it would hurt if someone (especially me) didn't look at him as a father. So anyway...Monday morning we got up early and hiked up Vernal Falls and all the way to the top of Nevada falls. Probably no one on here knows what the hell I'm talking about but it's a pretty strenuous trail. Round trip was around 8 miles of switchbacks and climbing up the side of two waterfalls. I haven't REALLY worked out since before I was pregnant and I had a c-section so I'm really, really out of shape so it took us a while and I had to stop a lot but I just kept telling myself it was for Ryan. I had his ashes and we were going to spread them in a beautiful place so I HAD to make it up there. Well I did. I made it to the top and then I chickened out. I couldn't do it. I couldn't walk away without his ashes. I needed to bring them home. I decided to just spread a very small amount of his ashes and bring the rest home with me. It was a very hard and emotional time. It felt like we waited 2 and a half months to have his funeral. Like everything just happened. Anyway we walked the rest of the trail back to the campground and all of the sudden my knee started hurting. Now, throughout the walk I twisted my ankles a few times but I didn't do anything that should have hurt my I'm wondering what the hell this is all about. As the night went on the pain got worse and worse and worse. I ended up getting out of the tent in the middle of the night bawling my eyes out and limping to our bear proof locker to get medicine. Yes I said bear proof. In the 3 1/2 days we were there we saw 4 different bears...1 several times. So Tuesday I could barely walk...I’m slightly better today but not by much. I can’t go up stairs, and any incline or decline in the floor kills my knee. I think I am going to try to go into Urgent Care tomorrow if it’s still this bad and get it looked at to see if maybe I tore something. So now I’ve got my knee to deal with on top of everything else and I really don’t need something serious like a torn ligament because I don’t have insurance right now.

OH – and on a separate note I was excited to get up to Yosemite because I thought I’d have a few blissful days without pregnant women everywhere. But I was wrong…they still go camping and hiking. And there were people with babies and toddlers everywhere and every time I see a kid (especially a toddler for some reason…I really don’t know why) it kills me. Whatever they are doing at that time…even if it is something stupid like eating a hot dog…my first thought is “Ryan will never do that”. So my “vacation” was definitely not what I thought it would be. I expected it to feel like a gigantic weight was lifted off my shoulders. But I feel exactly the same…maybe even a little worse. I came home today and sitting on my porch was a package…I knew I didn’t order anything so I wasn’t sure what it was. I came up and picked it up and it was a sample of Enfamil for the “new mom”. That was like a knife right in my heart. It made everything worse. It was a total setback. And I’m afraid there’s more stuff like that to come.

On one last note before I end my rant today…I was driving home today and me and Ryan’s dad were talking about something random and it happened to be something to coincided with Ryan’s due date. So just out of curiosity I asked him “When is Ryan’s due date?” He said “Um May 20th right?” WRONG! How the hell do you not know your sons due date? That frustrated me more than I can possibly explain! Am I wrong for being upset about that? I mean he was close and its not like he was at all the doctors appointments and that date was burned into his brain. But that was his SON. It’s not like I never told him or we never talked about it or he never heard the doctor say it. It really hurt me that he didn’t know that. I don’t know why it bothers me so much but it really, really does….

On one good note I had a butterfly that stuck around me for like 10 minutes on Tuesday…it even posed so I could get a really good picture of it. I couldn’t help but think maybe it was a sign from Ryan. Every time I see a butterfly since the day a while ago that like 20 of them swarmed me and wouldn't leave me alone... I read too much into it and think of it as a sign from him. So maybe it was just wishful thinking…

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