Saturday, June 06, 2009

going back...

How weird is it that going somewhere could bring up such a wave of emotions? I went to Panda Express last night - was in the mood for some fattening, sodium rich, Chinese food before I start my diet - and as I walked in the doors it hit me: I hadn't been there since before I lost Ryan. The last time I walked through those doors I was pregnant. Today I decided that things have been pretty hard and I needed to treat myself to something nice for a chance - so I took myself to get my nails done. Again, as I walked through the doors I realized the last time I went in was when I was pregnant. I don't know why but this realization was hard. It's been three and a half months. I don't expect to ever be "over it" and relatively speaking three months is a very short time in this whole grieving process, but I didn't expect to be hit so hard just going some place. Now it's got me thinking, is it going to be this way with everything? The last time I got my hair cut I was pregnant - will I freak out when I go to get it cut again? The last time I went to Reno, or San Francisco I was pregnant - will I stop myself from going back in fear of a total breakdown? The list goes on and on. For anyone who truly knows me, I don't let myself break down - its a general rule I've had for pretty much my whole life. Any crying happens behind closed doors if I can help it and I always try very very hard to stop crying asap. Its weird because I talk to my angel mommy friends and there are some who are 3-6 months further into this journey than I am and they still cry tons every single day. I will say I tear up every day, but do I let it out? No. It's almost like a natural physical reaction - I couldn't let it out if I wanted to. Don't get me wrong - I have my days where I cant keep it in (always in private) and I cry but I stop myself after a minute or two. Maybe I would benefit from a good, long, half hour cry fest. I just don't think I have it in me. I think I try my hardest not to face my demons. And if that means burying how I truly feel then I do it. This is probably not the best means of grieving - my guess is 5 years from now I will be worse off because of this...but who knows, maybe not.

On another note, my job is killing me. I go to work and somewhere within 15-60 minutes I want to punch a wall - or ram my head into one. I don't know what it is exactly. It's no more stressful than when I worked there before (which has me wondering about the stress level during my pregnancy) but its just like every little thing irks me. I work with children. Probably the worst field possible to work in when having just lost a baby. But I've worked with kids years and it's not the best time to go looking for a new job. Anyway, when I'm there I often get this feeling, almost like a vertigo feeling, where the room is spinning and the kids are just loud and screaming and their voices are so annoying and I cant stop it the room from going round and round and there is such disarray and its so loud and I cant think straight and part of me is afraid I'm going to pass out and another part of me wants to burst out in tears but I cant and I don't because well quite frankly it would scare the shit out of the kids and like previously mentioned I don't cry in front of others. Instead I get in my car on my lunch break and then I break down for my typical 30 second cry (although sometimes I cry the whole way home - all of two minutes) and then I pull myself together and force my thoughts onto something else, anything else. I say it jokingly with my co-worker, but I'm actually quite serious - if something at work doesn't change, or I don't find a new job soon I'm seriously afraid I may come home in a straight jacket one of these days...........I just miss my son so much and working with other peoples children in that environment is probably not the best place for me right now. But bills have to be paid - and for that you need money!

My angel mommy friends and I are all doing a craft exchange. I'm excited - I get to focus my attention somewhere productive. I hope we can get started soon - we group up into groups of 5 or 6 and make unique little gifts for eachother having something to do with our angels. It should be fun. It got me wanting to do something else crafty so I went out today and got wood letters for Ryan's name. I was going to paint them origionally for his room but obviously I didn't get to that - anyway I decided that I would go ahead and do it anyway and put it above his shelf in my room. I hope they turn out okay..

1 comment:

  1. I can't imagine how hard it must be to work around little kids all day. Even seeing little kids can cause me to break down. And seeing a baby...well just forget it. I might as well go home and get into bed for a week. It's been 8 months for me and I still do have "breakdown" moments but you have to let youself have those moments and then keep going. Holding it all in WILL put you in a straight jacket. Please know I'm here if you ever want to talk.

    By the way, thank you so much for the beautiful photo of Caleb's name. That was so sweet of you!